dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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