oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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