Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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