Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
