Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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