Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
