I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
