if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
