apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
