While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
