Your dad touched me again.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
