mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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