I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
