I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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