My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
