you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
