I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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