I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
