that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
