I'm so fucking centered right now
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
