I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
