Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
