sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
