so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
