I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
