I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
