She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
farters have to be the big spoon...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
