I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
