ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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