and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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