Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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