Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
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His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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