im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
