im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
