I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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