Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
