Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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