you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
