The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
