Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
only you would photoshop your dick
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
