I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
