how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
