Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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