my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
