Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
