I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
