I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
