You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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