Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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