There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
