I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
