1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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