I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
