I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
