Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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