Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sarcasm needs its own font
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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