Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
