her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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