remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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