apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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