what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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