I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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